The Dossier of consistent Mail Online Offender Liz Jones: Part 2 ‘The Great Sperm Thief’

Back in November last year I read something by Liz Jones that nearly made me choke to death on my cornflakes in shock and laughter. Some of you may already be familiar with this piece of ‘Journalism’ or demon exorcising as I prefer to call it. The article in question refers to the time Miss Jones was delightful enough to steal a partners sperm from a used condom.


The most worrying part is perhaps the fact that after this was published nobody thought to section Liz under the mental health act for her own safety but no we can only assume she has remained in a cat secluded red socked sanctuary ever since judging by the picture in the piece.

Common sense would tell most individuals that inserting spermoza into your nether regions from a used dunky is a desperate act with a limited chance of success. But Liz in her late thirties barren haze went at it like the great train robbery and smothered her insides with the contraband semen like a sneaky smuggler.

Part of me thinks Liz has just made this up for attention and the pay check (she got 1225 comments on this piece – yippee more online traffic and £’s for the publication. If it is true and she was really this desperate then I feel very sad for her.

Liz was hoping for a few children to lure back to her Gingerbread cottage and stoke the fire with. Unfortunately she has had to settle for the company of her ‘familiar’.

I would have felt even sorrier for her children though had she been successful as there is no doubt that every shitty nappy and pre-pubescent wet dream would have been splatted all over the Mail Online site if Liz had run dry on slagging off the latest styles at M&S or lambasting a celebrity for failing to fart silently.

More worryingly what if she hadn’t had time to obsess over her grey hair as much with kids to bring up and care about. The pressure of poking through her own Bell Jar to breathe someone elses feelings and thoughts would have probably proved too much to take.

Repeat the mantra: This is not real life this is the Daily Mail website.

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