Daily Mail 24th May 2012 – It’s time to make another celebrity suicidal

Another day another celebrity who is falling foul of Dorian Grey syndrome and continues to age and be seen in public. This time it’s Janice Dickinson the vultures have it in for who dares to bare 57 year old thigh skin with some wrinkles. According to the Mail its time for Janice to dress her age!

Better dress your age from now on Miss Dickinson because the Mail Online says so

Mail Online are kind enough to say ‘she still looks amazing for 57’ before writing the equivalent of finding sick in their mouths with ‘as she walked along her legs looked unflattering as her wrinkled skin was on full show.’

Luckily for Janice they then delve into her financial woes and worries so at least they give her some modicum of dignity to hold onto.

I have resisted the urge to copy the close up shot of poor Miss Dickinson’s upper thigh. This lady has been quite candid in the past about overcoming personal addictions and problems so whilst she might be annoying as fuck lets spare her that indignity here.

No doubt the Mail Online writer who penned this little piece of poison must be very pleased with themselves (It’s the omni present ‘Daily Mail Reporter with no byline to attach to a human being.) Perhaps we must assume that this particular piece of celebrity based bile has been cooked up by one of the satanic minions they keep in the cellar and feed on human misery.

Repeat the mantra: ‘This is not real life this is the Daily Mail Website.’


The Dossier of consistent Mail Online Offender Liz Jones Part 1

I feel sorry for Liz Jones, truly sadly deeply sorry to the very core of my being. Sometimes I just want to reach through the Mail online website and give her a big hug. At other times I want to nut her out through my computer screen with a Glasgow kiss.

It must be so sad to live your life in such a vacuous self hating bubble that nobody exists for you apart from the narcissistic reflection of your own hollow face in a plastic laptop screen as you tap away 24/7 in the vain hope that someone might actually listen and care about what you think.

Liz has had it all. Borderline anorexia, obsessive compulsive disorder, addictive shopping behaviour that spiralled into debt, relationship issues that plummeted the very bowels of human deprivation – namely sperm theft from a  prophylactic, invasive plastic surgery treatments and a determination to share share and share again every single minute detail of her lonely single lady cat laden existence.

From the very depths of Liz hatred and bile we must remember lives a very sad and unhappy individual. For every article where she revels in someone elses fashion misery we must remember that here lies a prime example of someone who has never learned to love themselves.

Part 1 in the Liz Jones Dossier Files ‘My 25 Year Battle With Grey Hair’ . That’s right readers it reads BATTLE. Not with cancer or MS or even type one diabetes. No Liz has had a horrendous and unimaginable battle with grey hair since her mid twenties.

Liz has been a brave little soldier battling this debilitating condition

Pushing through the tears which for me was quite a struggle we discover within several thousand words that Liz has found that slightly lighter tones through her hair means a less frequent need to dye her roots and a softer look around her face. Who knew!?!?

I am sure you as well as me will now sleep soundly in your beds tonight without worrying about the potential muss n fuss Miss Jones might have done to a precious Egyptian Cotton pillow slip in white with perhaps a undercautious use of Nice and Easy in Nearly Black.

So what if Britain faces a double dip recession and third world poverty has yet to be eradicated. At least for Liz this epic battle is now over.

Repeat the mantra ‘This is not real life this is the Mail Online Website.’

Daily Mail 24th of May 2012 ‘Lets make pregnant women feel like shit’

Today the lovely Antonia Hoyle has decided it’s the perfect day to make all new and expectant mothers alike to feel like shit about themselves.

The aptly titled ‘What pregnancy did to our bodies: Six brave mothers reveal the toll having a baby has taken on their figures’ is a glowing example of gutter Mail Online style where they parade a bunch of unsuspecting Mums on their pages to all reflect in equal disgust over their HUGE STRETCH MARKS – SAGGY BUSTS – HUGE ASSES AND THIGHS.

Yes how dare these women have bodies that deemed it acceptable to change in pregnancy. These women should obviously be whipped to within an inch of their stretch marked flesh with birch twigs and paraded naked through their town centres like the Hagen Daas guzzling social pariahs we know them to be.

As Antonia sadly reflects not all of us can flaunt the enviable post pregnancy bikini bodies that most celebs who grace the Mail Online fabled pages can.

True Antonia but then the average human being does not have access to personal trainers, nutritionists, unlimited time off for exercise and recuperation, top plastic surgeons on speed dial or handy stretch mark avoiding surrogates on hand.

Repeat the mantra with me everyone. ‘This is not real life this is the Mail Online’.