Daily Mail Sunday 27th May – Hold the printing press – Kristen Stewart has a hole in her T Shirt

Is this World War Three teamed with Armageddon I see before me? No it’s just Kristen Stewart with  a rip in her T-Shirt. Hold the fucking printing presses for this one guys!

Kristen was quick to allay press fears that her T Shirt was suffering from cancer

Yes according to the incredulous tones of Jade Watkins (who is obviously doing the best to improve on her D- in GCSE English writing experience) Kristen who was recently crowned worlds best dressed woman by international zeitgeist publication Glamour Magazine has had the audacity to appear in public in an item of clothing that has clearly been damaged, ripped or torn in some way.

Luckily she did change into something more acceptable later. A red dress which showed a bit of side tittage and therefore deserved another astounding piece of journalistic talent on the perils of plunging necklines (yawn).

We can only assume that Kristen did not have a handy needle and thread at her disposal or some kind of craftily placed neckerchief which she may have artfully hid the offensive spoiled garment with.

Whilst we all worry ourselves to death over how ever she survived such public humiliation I for one prey that Miss Stewart never ever has to suffer again the indignity of a ripped T Shirt whilst leaving an aeroplane. Get well soon Kristen – perhaps some restorative post t shirt gate therapy in a nearby branch of Gap might help you overcome this sad episode in your life.

The Dossier of consistent Mail Online Offender Liz Jones Part 3 ‘Lets style my hair like Jessie J’

In another piece of Pulitzer Prize winning Journalism Miss Jones has been hard at work in true investigative style to discover which of Jessie J’s hairstyles will suit her best.

As Liz is quick to point out – she in no way thinks she looks like Jessie J what with being 3 decades older. She is also not Bi Sexual (far too interesting and just inviting the other half of the population to reject her) She also doesn’t possess any singing writing talent.

We are treated to five different Jessie J styles emulated in true self deprecating style by Liz who admits she has a miserly mouth and pointy features but still pouts and preens in front of the camera lens anyway.

Liz and Jessie could almost be sisters here if one of them had been diagnosed with progeria.

For the sake of all who must be dying for her to answer these important follicle related issues she is hoping that by going under the Jessie J hairstyle guises she might gain an insight into the pop starts ‘psyche’ (Yes she really has said that).

After enduring torturous hours in the make up artists chair Liz shows with true wallflower camera phobic style that she cannot bear ever to have her photo taken due to her overwhelming lack of self-confidence and inner complexities.

Actually what we see is someone making a bit of a twat of themselves in a series of comparison photos which just reinforce that fact that Liz has the literary skills of the average BBC1 sitcom writer and the posing talents of a below average ‘Olan Mills Mummy Glamour Model.’

Apparently this look emulates Hollywood great Carole Lombard. Do a Google image search for yourself on the filmstar to discover why this statement is particularly deluded.

Then just when we don’t think Liz can get any more saccharine and self-deluded she comes to an epiphany through this life changing hairstyle experience that she should in fact have more confidence and believe in herself enough to SHAVE ALL HER HAIR OFF FOR CHARITY.

Apparently inspired by Jessie who is doing the same for Great Ormond Street Liz has set up a ‘Just Giving’ page and will shave all her hair off if she reaches donations of £100k.

Don’t get me wrong I think its great that she wants to raise money for an animal hospital but does she have to do it in such a ham-fisted, vain and attention seeking way? The fact she has only generated £92.50 in donations since this article was published two days ago kind of says it all. (It does also help if you hyperlink for people to click to donate Liz).

This is the new look Liz is hoping to achieve with her ‘Charity Skinhead’ Here she is sporting the new style in a future column whilst perusing through some other plop she has written.

I propose a different way to raise funds for charity Liz and one that will definitely get people donating. Why don’t you pledge to do the following in your column over the next year and see if people start to like you more and help your cause?

• I pledge not to write about or refer to myself in any article
• I promise not to base any articles on my: Shoe Collections / Fashion Choices/ Hair Issues / Plastic Surgery Obsessions/ Weight Obsessions / Ongoing Insecurities
• I pledge to actually write about something that matters once in a while
• I will endeavour not to be an ego driven narcissistic wretch at every given opportunity

I for one would be pleased to donate safe in the knowledge that less online article excrement was polluting cyberspace.

Daily Mail 26th May 2012 – Tony Blackburn is an awful fuck apparently

If you can restrain your gag reflex long enough then today the Mail Online can regale you with how BBC DJ Tony Blackburn couldn’t fuck his way out of a paper bag.

Somebody called Margot Webb who looks like Pippi Longstocking on methadone has kindly divulged to the ubiquitously vehement Jan Moir that Tony was a real ‘Wham Bam Thank You Mam’ kind of lover who left her clitoris all asunder.

Apparently Margot was enraged when Tony referred to her as the Duracell Bunny with a bit of grey round the edges in his bestseller ‘Life as an unlikeable wanker’.

It seems that Margot is aggrieved at Tony because he didn’t really treat her  right during the time they fucked each other behind his wifes back. Now after exposing her name in some wankathon book like the shitheel he is she has decided to take the moral high ground.

This type of Z list tripe os something the Mail thrives on. Guess what everyone? People have affairs, Men fuck other women when they are married. Apparently Tony has fucked over 500 women which must offer some hope to the loneliest individuals out there.

Repeat the mantra: This is not real life this is the Mail Online.

Daily Mail 25th May 2012 – Katherine Heigl commits cardinal sin of looking tired in public

STOP PRESS – CELEBRITY LOOKS A LITTLE BIT TIRED. Yes that’s right  – Katherine Heigl has committed the cardinal sin of not going out in full red carpet glamour to do some everyday chores.

Katherine is probably peeling her own skin away in disgust with a piece of glass in the style of Mason Verger after discovering she looks a little tired and pale.

According to the Mail Online adopting a second baby must be ‘really taking a toll’ on Katherine. Yes I bet she is just reaching for the razor blades as we speak with the every day ordeal of being a Mother!

The shock that the anonymous DAILY MAIL REPORTER robot has over the fact that she dared to emerge from her LA home without any make-up makes you worry that the little poison penned automaton might overheat a circuit board in mock concern.

Who knew that celebrities could be so uncaring to subject the viewing taxpayer to shots of themselves without full on panstick coating their visage 24 hours a day. They are taking the idols and smashing them! I hope this is a lesson learnt for Miss Heigl and she ensures that the next trip to KMart involves several hours preening at a cosmetics counter beforehand.

Daily Mail says women are much fatter now because they are basically lazy slags

The latest piece of misogynistic drivel being purported as Journalism on the Mail Online is by so called Journalist Sophie Borland (who must have the friendship appeal of Myra Hindley for most sane females).

She purports the opinion that women’s waists are 6 inches bigger now that 60 years ago because the feminine side of the nation has turned into a bunch of sloth like pyjama wheedling slovens who spend their days stuck to a sofa in Jeremy Kyle oblivion rather than sweat over a mangle in the back yard ‘like the good old days.’

Most women dream of returning back to the drudge of sixty years ago. If you were lucky and managed to get all your chores done in time then you got to cook dinner for your family after WOW!!!

Feminist Stalwart Sophie bases her evidence on some flimsy research uncovering the shockingly obvious fact that ‘using some elbow grease’ years ago burnt more calories than these modern fan dangled thingamigubbins.

To ensure we are left in no doubt of what lazy slatterns modern day women are a stock photograph of one of the Waynetta Slobs in question has been added showing the said wildebeest devouring a biscuit with such abandon that you almost weep for her self-indulgent greedy ways.

After she finishes the biscuits she will probably devour a Sara Lee Sponge cake in a single sitting – But don’t expect her to hoover up the crumbs or pick her knickers up from the floor.

Apparently the research was carried out by Saga, the over-50s group, to mark the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee so we can rest safe in the knowledge that this is in fact a load of old bollocks in some sad attempt to gain a bit of PR. But if you do choose to accept the truth as reported by the Mail Online from a holiday / insurance company then get yourself down A&E quick sharpish and check for lobotomy scarifications.

Perhaps the Mail is hoping  women might leave work early now to return home and throw away every single mod con in the hope of achieving that  perfect 28 inch waist hour-glass shape? Well I’ve got one thing to say back – Fuck off and pass me another Jammie Dodger.

The Dossier of consistent Mail Online Offender Liz Jones: Part 2 ‘The Great Sperm Thief’

Back in November last year I read something by Liz Jones that nearly made me choke to death on my cornflakes in shock and laughter. Some of you may already be familiar with this piece of ‘Journalism’ or demon exorcising as I prefer to call it. The article in question refers to the time Miss Jones was delightful enough to steal a partners sperm from a used condom.

The most worrying part is perhaps the fact that after this was published nobody thought to section Liz under the mental health act for her own safety but no we can only assume she has remained in a cat secluded red socked sanctuary ever since judging by the picture in the piece.

Common sense would tell most individuals that inserting spermoza into your nether regions from a used dunky is a desperate act with a limited chance of success. But Liz in her late thirties barren haze went at it like the great train robbery and smothered her insides with the contraband semen like a sneaky smuggler.

Part of me thinks Liz has just made this up for attention and the pay check (she got 1225 comments on this piece – yippee more online traffic and £’s for the publication. If it is true and she was really this desperate then I feel very sad for her.

Liz was hoping for a few children to lure back to her Gingerbread cottage and stoke the fire with. Unfortunately she has had to settle for the company of her ‘familiar’.

I would have felt even sorrier for her children though had she been successful as there is no doubt that every shitty nappy and pre-pubescent wet dream would have been splatted all over the Mail Online site if Liz had run dry on slagging off the latest styles at M&S or lambasting a celebrity for failing to fart silently.

More worryingly what if she hadn’t had time to obsess over her grey hair as much with kids to bring up and care about. The pressure of poking through her own Bell Jar to breathe someone elses feelings and thoughts would have probably proved too much to take.

Repeat the mantra: This is not real life this is the Daily Mail website.

Daily Mail Friday 25th May 2012 – Lets bitch about celebs with veiny arms (Meg Ryan first)

Another day another round of evil this time from gutter crawler Cassie Carpenter (sounds like a canine kitchen fitter) who has obviously managed to pull her fingers away from her own gusset just long enough to spew out a bile encrusted little number about Meg Ryan’s arm veins.

As the delightful Cassie states ‘She was once Hollywood’s sweetheart, but yesterday Meg Ryan turned heads for all the wrong reasons.’ The amazingly witty ‘So vein’ headline opener must have been a real triumph for little Cassie as she went to great lengths to regurgitate past unflattering photos of women who have the audacity to have veins in their body that carry blood to their hearts!?!?

By ensuring  images of Madonna, SJP and Angelina Jolie all made the grade Cassie has triumphed in the knowledge that all morbidly obese Mail Online readers can sit smug with chocolate coated arteries opining that if that’s what exercise does for you then count me out.

So lets examine why these women have protruding veins? Actually who even cares? I would imagine it’s because they all exercise a lot as veins that stand out are normally a sign of being incredibly healthy.

‘Trout pouted’ ‘faded star’ ‘pressure to stay thin’ ‘overexertion’ ‘dehydrated skin’. Poor Meg sound like she has just crawled out of rehab and into a dumpster truck the way Cassie phrases things.

Cassie Carpenter obviously does not have any veins as you need a heart to pump blood round a body and the average Mail Online Journalist is ‘Undead’

Luckily she seems to have the right attitude to things with a tattoo on her arm reading ‘life is short’ .That’s corrrect Meg too fucking short to give a toss what the Mail Online thinks.

The arm is displayed above in all its horror – No doubt Meg will be deciding whether to become an elective double amputee after reading this.

Repeat the mantra: This is not real life this is the Daily Mail Online

The Dossier of consistent Mail Online Offender Liz Jones Part 1

I feel sorry for Liz Jones, truly sadly deeply sorry to the very core of my being. Sometimes I just want to reach through the Mail online website and give her a big hug. At other times I want to nut her out through my computer screen with a Glasgow kiss.

It must be so sad to live your life in such a vacuous self hating bubble that nobody exists for you apart from the narcissistic reflection of your own hollow face in a plastic laptop screen as you tap away 24/7 in the vain hope that someone might actually listen and care about what you think.

Liz has had it all. Borderline anorexia, obsessive compulsive disorder, addictive shopping behaviour that spiralled into debt, relationship issues that plummeted the very bowels of human deprivation – namely sperm theft from a  prophylactic, invasive plastic surgery treatments and a determination to share share and share again every single minute detail of her lonely single lady cat laden existence.

From the very depths of Liz hatred and bile we must remember lives a very sad and unhappy individual. For every article where she revels in someone elses fashion misery we must remember that here lies a prime example of someone who has never learned to love themselves.

Part 1 in the Liz Jones Dossier Files ‘My 25 Year Battle With Grey Hair’ . That’s right readers it reads BATTLE. Not with cancer or MS or even type one diabetes. No Liz has had a horrendous and unimaginable battle with grey hair since her mid twenties.

Liz has been a brave little soldier battling this debilitating condition

Pushing through the tears which for me was quite a struggle we discover within several thousand words that Liz has found that slightly lighter tones through her hair means a less frequent need to dye her roots and a softer look around her face. Who knew!?!?

I am sure you as well as me will now sleep soundly in your beds tonight without worrying about the potential muss n fuss Miss Jones might have done to a precious Egyptian Cotton pillow slip in white with perhaps a undercautious use of Nice and Easy in Nearly Black.

So what if Britain faces a double dip recession and third world poverty has yet to be eradicated. At least for Liz this epic battle is now over.

Repeat the mantra ‘This is not real life this is the Mail Online Website.’

Daily Mail 24th of May 2012 ‘Lets make pregnant women feel like shit’

Today the lovely Antonia Hoyle has decided it’s the perfect day to make all new and expectant mothers alike to feel like shit about themselves.

The aptly titled ‘What pregnancy did to our bodies: Six brave mothers reveal the toll having a baby has taken on their figures’ is a glowing example of gutter Mail Online style where they parade a bunch of unsuspecting Mums on their pages to all reflect in equal disgust over their HUGE STRETCH MARKS – SAGGY BUSTS – HUGE ASSES AND THIGHS.

Yes how dare these women have bodies that deemed it acceptable to change in pregnancy. These women should obviously be whipped to within an inch of their stretch marked flesh with birch twigs and paraded naked through their town centres like the Hagen Daas guzzling social pariahs we know them to be.

As Antonia sadly reflects not all of us can flaunt the enviable post pregnancy bikini bodies that most celebs who grace the Mail Online fabled pages can.

True Antonia but then the average human being does not have access to personal trainers, nutritionists, unlimited time off for exercise and recuperation, top plastic surgeons on speed dial or handy stretch mark avoiding surrogates on hand.

Repeat the mantra with me everyone. ‘This is not real life this is the Mail Online’.