Daily Mail Sunday 27th May – Hold the printing press – Kristen Stewart has a hole in her T Shirt

Is this World War Three teamed with Armageddon I see before me? No it’s just Kristen Stewart with  a rip in her T-Shirt. Hold the fucking printing presses for this one guys!

Kristen was quick to allay press fears that her T Shirt was suffering from cancer

Yes according to the incredulous tones of Jade Watkins (who is obviously doing the best to improve on her D- in GCSE English writing experience) Kristen who was recently crowned worlds best dressed woman by international zeitgeist publication Glamour Magazine has had the audacity to appear in public in an item of clothing that has clearly been damaged, ripped or torn in some way.

Luckily she did change into something more acceptable later. A red dress which showed a bit of side tittage and therefore deserved another astounding piece of journalistic talent on the perils of plunging necklines (yawn).

We can only assume that Kristen did not have a handy needle and thread at her disposal or some kind of craftily placed neckerchief which she may have artfully hid the offensive spoiled garment with.

Whilst we all worry ourselves to death over how ever she survived such public humiliation I for one prey that Miss Stewart never ever has to suffer again the indignity of a ripped T Shirt whilst leaving an aeroplane. Get well soon Kristen – perhaps some restorative post t shirt gate therapy in a nearby branch of Gap might help you overcome this sad episode in your life.

Daily Mail 25th May 2012 – Katherine Heigl commits cardinal sin of looking tired in public

STOP PRESS – CELEBRITY LOOKS A LITTLE BIT TIRED. Yes that’s right  – Katherine Heigl has committed the cardinal sin of not going out in full red carpet glamour to do some everyday chores.

Katherine is probably peeling her own skin away in disgust with a piece of glass in the style of Mason Verger after discovering she looks a little tired and pale.

According to the Mail Online adopting a second baby must be ‘really taking a toll’ on Katherine. Yes I bet she is just reaching for the razor blades as we speak with the every day ordeal of being a Mother!

The shock that the anonymous DAILY MAIL REPORTER robot has over the fact that she dared to emerge from her LA home without any make-up makes you worry that the little poison penned automaton might overheat a circuit board in mock concern.

Who knew that celebrities could be so uncaring to subject the viewing taxpayer to shots of themselves without full on panstick coating their visage 24 hours a day. They are taking the idols and smashing them! I hope this is a lesson learnt for Miss Heigl and she ensures that the next trip to KMart involves several hours preening at a cosmetics counter beforehand.

Daily Mail says women are much fatter now because they are basically lazy slags

The latest piece of misogynistic drivel being purported as Journalism on the Mail Online is by so called Journalist Sophie Borland (who must have the friendship appeal of Myra Hindley for most sane females).

She purports the opinion that women’s waists are 6 inches bigger now that 60 years ago because the feminine side of the nation has turned into a bunch of sloth like pyjama wheedling slovens who spend their days stuck to a sofa in Jeremy Kyle oblivion rather than sweat over a mangle in the back yard ‘like the good old days.’

Most women dream of returning back to the drudge of sixty years ago. If you were lucky and managed to get all your chores done in time then you got to cook dinner for your family after WOW!!!

Feminist Stalwart Sophie bases her evidence on some flimsy research uncovering the shockingly obvious fact that ‘using some elbow grease’ years ago burnt more calories than these modern fan dangled thingamigubbins.

To ensure we are left in no doubt of what lazy slatterns modern day women are a stock photograph of one of the Waynetta Slobs in question has been added showing the said wildebeest devouring a biscuit with such abandon that you almost weep for her self-indulgent greedy ways.

After she finishes the biscuits she will probably devour a Sara Lee Sponge cake in a single sitting – But don’t expect her to hoover up the crumbs or pick her knickers up from the floor.

Apparently the research was carried out by Saga, the over-50s group, to mark the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee so we can rest safe in the knowledge that this is in fact a load of old bollocks in some sad attempt to gain a bit of PR. But if you do choose to accept the truth as reported by the Mail Online from a holiday / insurance company then get yourself down A&E quick sharpish and check for lobotomy scarifications.

Perhaps the Mail is hoping  women might leave work early now to return home and throw away every single mod con in the hope of achieving that  perfect 28 inch waist hour-glass shape? Well I’ve got one thing to say back – Fuck off and pass me another Jammie Dodger.