Daily Mail Sunday 27th May – Hold the printing press – Kristen Stewart has a hole in her T Shirt

Is this World War Three teamed with Armageddon I see before me? No it’s just Kristen Stewart with  a rip in her T-Shirt. Hold the fucking printing presses for this one guys!

Kristen was quick to allay press fears that her T Shirt was suffering from cancer

Yes according to the incredulous tones of Jade Watkins (who is obviously doing the best to improve on her D- in GCSE English writing experience) Kristen who was recently crowned worlds best dressed woman by international zeitgeist publication Glamour Magazine has had the audacity to appear in public in an item of clothing that has clearly been damaged, ripped or torn in some way.

Luckily she did change into something more acceptable later. A red dress which showed a bit of side tittage and therefore deserved another astounding piece of journalistic talent on the perils of plunging necklines (yawn).

We can only assume that Kristen did not have a handy needle and thread at her disposal or some kind of craftily placed neckerchief which she may have artfully hid the offensive spoiled garment with.

Whilst we all worry ourselves to death over how ever she survived such public humiliation I for one prey that Miss Stewart never ever has to suffer again the indignity of a ripped T Shirt whilst leaving an aeroplane. Get well soon Kristen – perhaps some restorative post t shirt gate therapy in a nearby branch of Gap might help you overcome this sad episode in your life.

The Dossier of consistent Mail Online Offender Liz Jones Part 3 ‘Lets style my hair like Jessie J’

In another piece of Pulitzer Prize winning Journalism Miss Jones has been hard at work in true investigative style to discover which of Jessie J’s hairstyles will suit her best.

As Liz is quick to point out – she in no way thinks she looks like Jessie J what with being 3 decades older. She is also not Bi Sexual (far too interesting and just inviting the other half of the population to reject her) She also doesn’t possess any singing writing talent.

We are treated to five different Jessie J styles emulated in true self deprecating style by Liz who admits she has a miserly mouth and pointy features but still pouts and preens in front of the camera lens anyway.

Liz and Jessie could almost be sisters here if one of them had been diagnosed with progeria.

For the sake of all who must be dying for her to answer these important follicle related issues she is hoping that by going under the Jessie J hairstyle guises she might gain an insight into the pop starts ‘psyche’ (Yes she really has said that).

After enduring torturous hours in the make up artists chair Liz shows with true wallflower camera phobic style that she cannot bear ever to have her photo taken due to her overwhelming lack of self-confidence and inner complexities.

Actually what we see is someone making a bit of a twat of themselves in a series of comparison photos which just reinforce that fact that Liz has the literary skills of the average BBC1 sitcom writer and the posing talents of a below average ‘Olan Mills Mummy Glamour Model.’

Apparently this look emulates Hollywood great Carole Lombard. Do a Google image search for yourself on the filmstar to discover why this statement is particularly deluded.

Then just when we don’t think Liz can get any more saccharine and self-deluded she comes to an epiphany through this life changing hairstyle experience that she should in fact have more confidence and believe in herself enough to SHAVE ALL HER HAIR OFF FOR CHARITY.

Apparently inspired by Jessie who is doing the same for Great Ormond Street Liz has set up a ‘Just Giving’ page and will shave all her hair off if she reaches donations of £100k.

Don’t get me wrong I think its great that she wants to raise money for an animal hospital but does she have to do it in such a ham-fisted, vain and attention seeking way? The fact she has only generated £92.50 in donations since this article was published two days ago kind of says it all. (It does also help if you hyperlink for people to click to donate Liz).

This is the new look Liz is hoping to achieve with her ‘Charity Skinhead’ Here she is sporting the new style in a future column whilst perusing through some other plop she has written.

I propose a different way to raise funds for charity Liz and one that will definitely get people donating. Why don’t you pledge to do the following in your column over the next year and see if people start to like you more and help your cause?

  • I pledge not to write about or refer to myself in any article
  • I promise not to base any articles on my: Shoe Collections / Fashion Choices/ Hair Issues / Plastic Surgery Obsessions/ Weight Obsessions / Ongoing Insecurities
  • I pledge to actually write about something that matters once in a while
  • I will endeavour not to be an ego driven narcissistic wretch at every given opportunity

I for one would be pleased to donate safe in the knowledge that less online article excrement was polluting cyberspace.

Daily Mail 25th May 2012 – Katherine Heigl commits cardinal sin of looking tired in public

STOP PRESS – CELEBRITY LOOKS A LITTLE BIT TIRED. Yes that’s right  – Katherine Heigl has committed the cardinal sin of not going out in full red carpet glamour to do some everyday chores.

Katherine is probably peeling her own skin away in disgust with a piece of glass in the style of Mason Verger after discovering she looks a little tired and pale.

According to the Mail Online adopting a second baby must be ‘really taking a toll’ on Katherine. Yes I bet she is just reaching for the razor blades as we speak with the every day ordeal of being a Mother!

The shock that the anonymous DAILY MAIL REPORTER robot has over the fact that she dared to emerge from her LA home without any make-up makes you worry that the little poison penned automaton might overheat a circuit board in mock concern.

Who knew that celebrities could be so uncaring to subject the viewing taxpayer to shots of themselves without full on panstick coating their visage 24 hours a day. They are taking the idols and smashing them! I hope this is a lesson learnt for Miss Heigl and she ensures that the next trip to KMart involves several hours preening at a cosmetics counter beforehand.

Daily Mail Friday 25th May 2012 – Lets bitch about celebs with veiny arms (Meg Ryan first)

Another day another round of evil this time from gutter crawler Cassie Carpenter (sounds like a canine kitchen fitter) who has obviously managed to pull her fingers away from her own gusset just long enough to spew out a bile encrusted little number about Meg Ryan’s arm veins.


As the delightful Cassie states ‘She was once Hollywood’s sweetheart, but yesterday Meg Ryan turned heads for all the wrong reasons.’ The amazingly witty ‘So vein’ headline opener must have been a real triumph for little Cassie as she went to great lengths to regurgitate past unflattering photos of women who have the audacity to have veins in their body that carry blood to their hearts!?!?

By ensuring  images of Madonna, SJP and Angelina Jolie all made the grade Cassie has triumphed in the knowledge that all morbidly obese Mail Online readers can sit smug with chocolate coated arteries opining that if that’s what exercise does for you then count me out.

So lets examine why these women have protruding veins? Actually who even cares? I would imagine it’s because they all exercise a lot as veins that stand out are normally a sign of being incredibly healthy.

‘Trout pouted’ ‘faded star’ ‘pressure to stay thin’ ‘overexertion’ ‘dehydrated skin’. Poor Meg sound like she has just crawled out of rehab and into a dumpster truck the way Cassie phrases things.

Cassie Carpenter obviously does not have any veins as you need a heart to pump blood round a body and the average Mail Online Journalist is ‘Undead’

Luckily she seems to have the right attitude to things with a tattoo on her arm reading ‘life is short’ .That’s corrrect Meg too fucking short to give a toss what the Mail Online thinks.

The arm is displayed above in all its horror – No doubt Meg will be deciding whether to become an elective double amputee after reading this.

Repeat the mantra: This is not real life this is the Daily Mail Online