The Dossier of consistent Mail Online Offender Liz Jones Part 3 ‘Lets style my hair like Jessie J’

In another piece of Pulitzer Prize winning Journalism Miss Jones has been hard at work in true investigative style to discover which of Jessie J’s hairstyles will suit her best.

As Liz is quick to point out – she in no way thinks she looks like Jessie J what with being 3 decades older. She is also not Bi Sexual (far too interesting and just inviting the other half of the population to reject her) She also doesn’t possess any singing writing talent.

We are treated to five different Jessie J styles emulated in true self deprecating style by Liz who admits she has a miserly mouth and pointy features but still pouts and preens in front of the camera lens anyway.

Liz and Jessie could almost be sisters here if one of them had been diagnosed with progeria.

For the sake of all who must be dying for her to answer these important follicle related issues she is hoping that by going under the Jessie J hairstyle guises she might gain an insight into the pop starts ‘psyche’ (Yes she really has said that).

After enduring torturous hours in the make up artists chair Liz shows with true wallflower camera phobic style that she cannot bear ever to have her photo taken due to her overwhelming lack of self-confidence and inner complexities.

Actually what we see is someone making a bit of a twat of themselves in a series of comparison photos which just reinforce that fact that Liz has the literary skills of the average BBC1 sitcom writer and the posing talents of a below average ‘Olan Mills Mummy Glamour Model.’

Apparently this look emulates Hollywood great Carole Lombard. Do a Google image search for yourself on the filmstar to discover why this statement is particularly deluded.

Then just when we don’t think Liz can get any more saccharine and self-deluded she comes to an epiphany through this life changing hairstyle experience that she should in fact have more confidence and believe in herself enough to SHAVE ALL HER HAIR OFF FOR CHARITY.

Apparently inspired by Jessie who is doing the same for Great Ormond Street Liz has set up a ‘Just Giving’ page and will shave all her hair off if she reaches donations of £100k.

Don’t get me wrong I think its great that she wants to raise money for an animal hospital but does she have to do it in such a ham-fisted, vain and attention seeking way? The fact she has only generated £92.50 in donations since this article was published two days ago kind of says it all. (It does also help if you hyperlink for people to click to donate Liz).

This is the new look Liz is hoping to achieve with her ‘Charity Skinhead’ Here she is sporting the new style in a future column whilst perusing through some other plop she has written.

I propose a different way to raise funds for charity Liz and one that will definitely get people donating. Why don’t you pledge to do the following in your column over the next year and see if people start to like you more and help your cause?

  • I pledge not to write about or refer to myself in any article
  • I promise not to base any articles on my: Shoe Collections / Fashion Choices/ Hair Issues / Plastic Surgery Obsessions/ Weight Obsessions / Ongoing Insecurities
  • I pledge to actually write about something that matters once in a while
  • I will endeavour not to be an ego driven narcissistic wretch at every given opportunity

I for one would be pleased to donate safe in the knowledge that less online article excrement was polluting cyberspace.


Daily Mail 25th May 2012 – Katherine Heigl commits cardinal sin of looking tired in public

STOP PRESS – CELEBRITY LOOKS A LITTLE BIT TIRED. Yes that’s right  – Katherine Heigl has committed the cardinal sin of not going out in full red carpet glamour to do some everyday chores.

Katherine is probably peeling her own skin away in disgust with a piece of glass in the style of Mason Verger after discovering she looks a little tired and pale.

According to the Mail Online adopting a second baby must be ‘really taking a toll’ on Katherine. Yes I bet she is just reaching for the razor blades as we speak with the every day ordeal of being a Mother!

The shock that the anonymous DAILY MAIL REPORTER robot has over the fact that she dared to emerge from her LA home without any make-up makes you worry that the little poison penned automaton might overheat a circuit board in mock concern.

Who knew that celebrities could be so uncaring to subject the viewing taxpayer to shots of themselves without full on panstick coating their visage 24 hours a day. They are taking the idols and smashing them! I hope this is a lesson learnt for Miss Heigl and she ensures that the next trip to KMart involves several hours preening at a cosmetics counter beforehand.

The Dossier of consistent Mail Online Offender Liz Jones: Part 2 ‘The Great Sperm Thief’

Back in November last year I read something by Liz Jones that nearly made me choke to death on my cornflakes in shock and laughter. Some of you may already be familiar with this piece of ‘Journalism’ or demon exorcising as I prefer to call it. The article in question refers to the time Miss Jones was delightful enough to steal a partners sperm from a used condom.

The most worrying part is perhaps the fact that after this was published nobody thought to section Liz under the mental health act for her own safety but no we can only assume she has remained in a cat secluded red socked sanctuary ever since judging by the picture in the piece.

Common sense would tell most individuals that inserting spermoza into your nether regions from a used dunky is a desperate act with a limited chance of success. But Liz in her late thirties barren haze went at it like the great train robbery and smothered her insides with the contraband semen like a sneaky smuggler.

Part of me thinks Liz has just made this up for attention and the pay check (she got 1225 comments on this piece – yippee more online traffic and £’s for the publication. If it is true and she was really this desperate then I feel very sad for her.

Liz was hoping for a few children to lure back to her Gingerbread cottage and stoke the fire with. Unfortunately she has had to settle for the company of her ‘familiar’.

I would have felt even sorrier for her children though had she been successful as there is no doubt that every shitty nappy and pre-pubescent wet dream would have been splatted all over the Mail Online site if Liz had run dry on slagging off the latest styles at M&S or lambasting a celebrity for failing to fart silently.

More worryingly what if she hadn’t had time to obsess over her grey hair as much with kids to bring up and care about. The pressure of poking through her own Bell Jar to breathe someone elses feelings and thoughts would have probably proved too much to take.

Repeat the mantra: This is not real life this is the Daily Mail website.

Daily Mail 24th of May 2012 ‘Lets make pregnant women feel like shit’

Today the lovely Antonia Hoyle has decided it’s the perfect day to make all new and expectant mothers alike to feel like shit about themselves.

The aptly titled ‘What pregnancy did to our bodies: Six brave mothers reveal the toll having a baby has taken on their figures’ is a glowing example of gutter Mail Online style where they parade a bunch of unsuspecting Mums on their pages to all reflect in equal disgust over their HUGE STRETCH MARKS – SAGGY BUSTS – HUGE ASSES AND THIGHS.

Yes how dare these women have bodies that deemed it acceptable to change in pregnancy. These women should obviously be whipped to within an inch of their stretch marked flesh with birch twigs and paraded naked through their town centres like the Hagen Daas guzzling social pariahs we know them to be.

As Antonia sadly reflects not all of us can flaunt the enviable post pregnancy bikini bodies that most celebs who grace the Mail Online fabled pages can.

True Antonia but then the average human being does not have access to personal trainers, nutritionists, unlimited time off for exercise and recuperation, top plastic surgeons on speed dial or handy stretch mark avoiding surrogates on hand.

Repeat the mantra with me everyone. ‘This is not real life this is the Mail Online’.